Why Teens Can’t Look Away: How Social Media Is Designed to Keep Kids Hooked—and What Parents Can Do
If you are a parent of an adolescent or teen, you have likely noticed that their phone has become a near-permanent extension of their hand. They scroll at the dinner table, take the phone to the bathroom, and stay up late watching short videos instead of sleeping. It can be tempting to blame them, or yourself, or to assume that today’s teens simply have no self-control. But digital parenting expert Dr. Jacqueline Nesi, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at Brown University and a leading researcher on social media and adolescent mental health, says parents should understand something important: this behavior is not a character flaw. It is by design. Social media platforms are built with sophisticated features intended to keep users engaged for as long as possible, and children and teens are particularly vulnerable to them. Nesi, who is also a mother and the author of the weekly newsletter Techno Sapiens, points to a long list of design elements common in apps used by young people. Infinite scroll, for example, creates an endless feed that removes any natural stopping point. Auto-play ensures that the next video begins before the current one has even finished, making it easier to keep watching than to step away. Notifications are carefully timed to create a sense of urgency, while streaks, likes and views exploit a young person’s deep desire for social connection and approval. The challenge is compounded by the fact that most platforms do not offer a genuinely age-appropriate experience; as soon as a child signs up, they are treated as another user in an attention marketplace. “These features make it more likely that kids (and adults!) will spend longer on the platforms, and will keep coming back to them,” Nesi says. In other words, the phone is not merely a distraction—it is a machine engineered to capture attention.
Central to this attention economy is the social media algorithm. What exactly do algorithms do, and why should parents care? Nesi explains that although the details are often proprietary and hidden, the general purpose is clear: most social media algorithms are designed to maximize engagement and time spent on the platform. The algorithm watches how you interact. It notes which videos you watch to the end, which images you pause on, which posts you like or share. Then it serves you more of the same. If a teenager starts watching videos about fitness, their feed fills with fitness content. If they watch anxious or depressing content, the algorithm may deliver more of that, too. Parents should know that the algorithm does not judge whether content is helpful or harmful; it only knows what tends to hold a user’s attention. Algorithms in themselves are not automatically dangerous; one could imagine an algorithm designed to maximize educational content or to show children materials that are appropriate for their age. But Nesi warns that this is not how most platforms operate. “Parents should know that many of the algorithms used by social media companies are not designed to maximize for kids’ well-being: They are designed to maximize for engagement, which can make it harder for kids to log off.” The result is a feed that is endlessly optimized to keep a young person looking at the screen. Why are children at greater risk than adults? Nesi points to developmental factors. Children are still building self-regulation abilities, which makes it harder for them to resist a system that is actively trying to undermine their control. Adolescents, in particular, are unusually sensitive to rewards, especially social rewards like likes and views from their peers. A single notification can trigger a rush of anticipation; the fear of missing out on what friends are saying or posting can feel unbearable. During adolescence, peers play an enormous role in identity and emotional development, and being excluded from the online social world can feel like a form of social exile. Adults may struggle with these same features, but teens have fewer psychological defenses against them.
Given how much time children spend on social media, it is natural for parents to ask: what does the evidence actually say about its effects on health? Nesi is careful to separate what is known from what is still uncertain. Scientists are still trying to understand the complex relationship between social media and adolescent mental health, and the findings are not simple. The impact of social media depends significantly on how it is used, and it differs widely across children. Some adolescents, particularly those who are already vulnerable due to existing mental health difficulties or emotional challenges, are at higher risk of harm. For them, social media can be a source of negative comparisons, cyberbullying, disrupted sleep, and exposure to harmful content. For other children, social media poses less risk and may even be beneficial, offering opportunities for connection, creative expression, learning, and identity exploration, especially when they have supportive adults guiding their use. Nesi emphasizes that for all children, the most important issue is whether social media begins to take the place of things that are known to protect mental health: sleep, physical activity, and in-person relationships. This is why parents should not become fixated on screen-time counts alone; a child can spend two hours on social media and be okay, or twenty minutes and be distressed, depending on what they experience. A teenager who is otherwise healthy and fulfills those needs may tolerate social media well. A teenager who is staying up until 2 a.m. scrolling, skipping meals, or withdrawing from family and friends is at risk, no matter how many or few hours they log. There are significant research gaps; much of the existing evidence relies on self-reports, and it is difficult to prove whether social media causes unhappiness or simply attracts unhappy users. But Nesi’s guidance for parents is practical: don’t wait for scientific certainty to act. Watch for changes in mood and behavior, protect the basics, and stay engaged in your child’s digital life.
What should a parent do if they are worried that their child’s social media use has become problematic? Nesi says the biggest warning sign is interference. Is social media causing significant problems in the child’s life, and are they still unable to stop? Are they losing sleep, not completing homework, or skipping activities they used to enjoy? Are they becoming irritable, anxious, or angry when they are separated from their phone? Do they seem more secretive, isolated, or defensive about their online life? If so, it is time to step in. Nesi advises parents to take three key steps. The first is communication. Instead of beginning with a lecture or an accusation, ask questions. Try to understand why social media is so appealing to your child. Ask what they like about it, what they get out of it, and what they think they might be missing when they are offline. Talk openly about the design features that are intended to make the app hard to put down. “Try not to come to these conversations from a place of judgment or blame,” Nesi says, “but rather to increase understanding and express your concerns.” The second step is to set boundaries. But boundaries should not be handed down arbitrarily. Nesi recommends working with your child to decide how much time is reasonable, what activities need to be protected, and what times of day or locations should be phone-free. When teenagers have a voice in creating rules, they are more likely to respect them. The third step is role modeling. “What is your own social media use like?” Nesi asks. “We know that parents’ use of tech plays a role in children’s use of tech, so making sure to model what we want to see in our kids is really important.” Children learn less from what we say than from what we do; if we are constantly checking our phones, our children will absorb that behavior as normal.
Beyond immediate interventions, Nesi encourages families to establish broader rules and expectations around social media. The process should begin with values. “What is important to them? What kind of home do they want to create for their child, and what kinds of activities do they want to prioritize?” she asks. When parents are clear about their values, they can build rules around them rather than simply reacting to the latest app. Rules work best when they are rooted in a warm, collaborative relationship. Parents should explain why they are setting a particular limit and listen to their child’s perspective. Nesi suggests thinking about four categories of rules: time spent, content shared, content viewed, and contact. Time rules might include limits on daily minutes and designations of phone-free times, such as during family dinners or after 10 p.m. Content-sharing rules clarify what a child is allowed to post about themselves and others, covering privacy, respect, and the permanence of online words. Content-viewing rules help children avoid harmful material, and contact rules establish who they are allowed to talk to and what kinds of conversations are acceptable. Of course, rules should evolve as a child grows; a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old need different levels of autonomy and responsibility. For families of children who are not yet on social media, Nesi’s advice is to delay introduction as long as possible. “Introduce it slowly, with plenty of boundaries in place,” she suggests. More time to mature emotionally and cognitively gives children a better foundation for navigating the pressures of online life. At the same time, Nesi insists that parents should not carry this burden alone. She describes the current situation as one in which children are driving cars without seatbelts, driver’s education or car seats. Tech companies design products for engagement without adequate safety protections, and regulators have not kept pace. “The companies who build these technologies, and the regulators who keep them in check, also have a responsibility to make this easier for parents and safer for kids.”
For parents, the takeaway is not that they must become perfect digital gatekeepers—that would be impossible. Nesi’s broader message is one of balanced, informed engagement. Understand that social media is built to be habit-forming, talk to children about how it works, watch for signs that it is interfering with sleep, school and real-world relationships, and set boundaries with love and flexibility. Be a role model for the kind of screen use you want to see. Delay social media when you can, and introduce it gradually when the time is right. And just as importantly, use your voice as a citizen and consumer to push for change. The responsibility for keeping children safe online should be shared by the companies that build these platforms and the regulators who oversee them. For parents seeking more guidance, resources such as a digital parenting guide, Nesi’s newsletter Techno Sapiens, and the course Tech Without Stress can offer practical help. There is no single answer that fits every family, and there will be missteps along the way. But every conversation about design, every reasonable boundary, every reminder that a child is more than their likes or streaks, helps build the skills young people need to use social media rather than be used by it. The goal is not to turn teenagers against technology, but to make sure that social media does not rob them of the sleep, meals, conversations, hobbies and quiet moments that matter far more than any notification. In a world engineered to capture attention, the greatest gift a parent can offer is presence—and a willingness to pay attention to what truly matters.
